четверг, 30 октября 2008 г.

Duwende

Where I live superstitions are a way of life... beforehand a few basics.

"Duwende" - this is like the dwarves in the Western world, small old creatures with large beards, like Snow White's seven Dwarves. They are usually invisible unless provoked or caught offguard. There are two types of dwarves who exist that we believe. A Black one and a white one. Black are evil dwarves who live anywhere, usually in mounds of earth or sometimes in your home. Anyone who mess up with black dwarves get permanent illness or a curse. The reason why everytime my people would pass by a mound of soils (where termites live) they needed to ask for permission because not doing so is disrespect to the resident dwarf that can make them sick with his curse or even die. The white one is the exact opposite of the black. It brings good fortune. Anyone who sees a white dwarf and catch it can wish for anything. So here is the story...

A man went inside a toilet in the woods and saw the back of a white dwarf peeing on the wall. Immediately, he seized the small creature. He told that he would never let him go unless his wish for bars of gold is granted. The dwarf looked at the man with frightened eyes and agreed to grant his wish. However, the dwarf had a request, i.e. for the man to bend over while he doggies him from behind. The dwarf said that it is necessary for him to relax and be able to concentrate in unleashing his magical powers to grant his wish that the man immediately agreed. While the dwarf was doggying the man whose face was twisting each thrust, the dwarf , this time in a very relaxed and calmed voice spoke...
"How many gold bars do you wish for?"
"Uh... uh... 100... no... uh... 1000..."
"And how old are you?"
"Uh... uh... 45..."
"45? And you still believe in dwarves?"

суббота, 25 октября 2008 г.

I Have A Drug Problem

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''
I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best
effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

пятница, 17 октября 2008 г.

My sister

Has this thing called "Chronic Constipation" which sounds like a joke but its a real disease. Anyways because of this when she does blow, she leaves a log seriously about 7 inches long and at least 3 inches wide. Yes they're disgusting, and yes they don't flush, and because she is lazy she sometimes just leaves them in there. I think the longest she left one in our bathroom was 3 days, which doesnt sound too bad, but something like that floating, ripening, and smelling like its starting to rot almost drives me to vomit when I open the toilet lid. Everytime I'm tricked into seeing Geotse, I half wonder if my sister is like that, then I quickly block it out of my mind. *shudder*